I’m A Coward – Day #1

scared-catI may as well admit it right up front. When push comes to shove I’d much prefer to hide under the covers. The evidence is right here on this blog that I started in January. It’s now March. So much for “manifesting me”! Here’s what happened.

I wrote the poem, posted my first quote and was somehow, immediately and without a care in the world (ha!) swept away by my new quote site. My creative genius friend caught wind of what I was doing and between the two of us, spinning in the ever-widening circles of our imaginations, created a tempest in a teapot!

Now, I’m back here, two months later, taking another stab at “manifesting me”. I am beginning a new project on a new day. That one is over there somewhere doing it’s thing and I will continue to work away on it, but….is it me? No, not really. In fact, it’s an extreme example of what I swore off when I started this blog…curating! You see, in my soul I’m a coward. Afraid to be me. Afraid to live an authentic life. I much prefer to hide under the cover of other people’s brilliance. Here, I will not do that.

Today is another new beginning. Another attempt to stick my head out of my hiding place and pull from inside of me what lies hidden there. I am taking another step in my healing and wholeness project, that began in earnest after my car accident. Today, I am embarking upon the healing of the body piece.  It begins with a 14 day “cleanse”.

How I hate all of this modern-day crap! Seriously. Not that the idea of ridding my body of all the icky stuff that shouldn’t be there, and I can tell by looking in the mirror that there’s an awful lot of it, it’s just  that the idea of anything radical involving my body has me shaking in my boots. I’ve had far too many experiences with radical physical change and suffering in my life to think that it could ever be good. I like things to remain in some sort of status quo, even if not perfect. Sadly, my intellect disagrees.

As I sat in Crystal’s office yesterday, passively nodding and shaking my head as she knowingly described the state of my “Rebellious Liver” (among other things) and spelled out every gory detail of her proposed Wellness Strategy for me, I thought I was game. After all I felt like bloody hell. It was time to take this step.

I’ve done a ton of psycho/spiritual work, but apart from chiropractic adjustments and massage, the body part of the mind/body/soul connection is clearly still out in left field.  I know it’s time.  I left her office with two bags of supplements and a notebook of information, schedules, protocols and fill-in the blank daily record sheets. I was ready to begin, not the least bit excited about the prospect, but determined to put one foot in front of the other. When I left her office I was more focused on when and how I’d fit in my last ice cream binge. I would start tomorrow.

Well, today is tomorrow. I did have my hot fudge sundae after my hamburger and french fries dinner last night, but I can’t say I enjoyed it. After last week’s mega stressors (husband’s car accident, nature’s tree pruning) my body has fallen back into full-blown PTSD mode. Which means that my digestion has pretty much stopped. Not a good feeling. I worked hard to convince myself that I was enjoying my last splurge in a gallant effort to motivate and prepare myself for today.

When I woke up this morning, however,  everything in me said, NO! Can’t do it. Don’t want to do it. The only structure I have in my life right now is my morning coffee, my fruit and yogurt for lunch and my after dinner decaf with flavored cream. She wants me to give up ALL OF IT! “Hell no” were the only two words that played in my mind throughout the early morning hours before I was quite awake.

When Scott met me at the bathroom door with a steaming hot cup of coffee at daybreak, I grabbed it. (Sorry, Crystal!)  I sipped and savored it  with much more enjoyment than usual. As I did, I began to formulate a plan. I’d follow some of the protocol. I’d work up to it, a little bit at a time. That makes much more sense! After all it can’t be good to shock the system with all that healthy stuff all at once! My body might shut down entirely! It wouldn’t know what to do!

photo (24)I put off breakfast as long as possible. I changed my routine and walked Rowdy first. When I returned I put the water on to boil for a soft-boiled egg. This morning it would be minus the toast and plus the gacky green stuff mixed with water. Okay, I’ll see if I can get through the breakfast menu.

I ate the egg first, sprinkled with a little salt. This was food I recognized and understood. My stomach needed a layer of normalcy before I put all the “natural stuff” in it. Once consumed I knew it was time. I blocked as many of my senses as I could (mentally at least) and mixed up the green stuff. (The manufacturers have the nerve to label the container “PERFECT FOOD”! Certainly not my idea of perfect food…and I’m pretty sure it wasn’t God’s notion when he created our lovely green earth and all its frozen yogurt shops.)

I took a deep breath of courage and did my very best to bypass all of my senses as I swallowed and guzzled as much of it as I could, as fast as I could, before my body knew what hit it. Good? Hell, no! Disgusting? eh, manageable. I’m two-thirds of the way through the concoction as we speak, and I’ve taken all of my prescribed supplements. So far I’m still standing. But, that was just breakfast! Oi!

This insanity is designed to give me energy, to help my body cope with the effects of PTSD and too many years of stress, and basically just to feel better.  I’m pretty sure I can’t keep going on the way I was.  So here goes. Hopefully I’ll be back again tomorrow with an update.

Dorothy Sander 3/12/14

Day #1 – I’m a Coward

Day #2 – The Morning after the Night Before

Day #3 – There are No Words

Day #4 – Coming Full Circle

Day #5 & #6 – Hyped Up and Nowhere to Go

Day #7 – The Body, Mind, Spirit Connection

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0 Responses to I’m A Coward – Day #1

  1. Reblogged this on Aging Abundantly | Women Over Fifty | Empty Nesters | Caregivers | Aging Gracefully and commented:

    I’ve needed a fresh perspective and to spend a little less time thinking about aging and put a little more of my focus on moving forward in my life’s journey. There’s so much noise and confusion on the internet when it comes to the woman over fifty, I feel as though my words are lost in the haze. I will still blog here, but for the next 14 weeks (at least) I will be blogging on Manifest Me 2014.

    • Oh how familiar this sounds/feels! 2011 found me in such brain fog it’s a wonder I survived at all. To the doctors…. lo and behold a systemic yeast infection, yeast so thick in my gut little or no nutrition was getting through. Hormones totally screwed up. My diet could not include anything that feeds yeast…ah, that’s crackers, pasta, cereal, bread, potatoes, butternut squash [oh no!], anything remotely related to sugar. I already knew soy and dairy played havoc with my thermostat. I cannot tell you how many times I whined to my husband “I don’t know what to eat!”. On top of all that a slight to moderate allergy to 100+ foods including tomatoes, eggs, broccoli, celery, lettuce [seriously, they’re mostly water!]……Well, two & a half years later, still no dairy [love the almond milk!] except for the cheese I sneak every now and then, no soy, no most of the foods I loved before. I have put back broccoli, celery and lettuce though. And, no brain fog, 80 less pounds!, more energy, getting to the root of the hormones which are still messed up. More comfortable in my body.
      So hang in there Dorothy. Listen to that body. If it says yes to coffee, drink it and glow [I never gave it up, usually drink a mix of regular & decaf but have been known to have high test too]. It will tell you too which of those other things it really doesn’t want. I miss consoling myself with ice cream. Now it just makes me feel hungover. And, there’s those 80#, and more comfort in the body………..
      Holding you in the light.

      • Oh Kathy! You give me courage! The start of my physical downward spiral began so many years ago, with yo-yo dieting, depression treated with anti-depressants, stress, stress, stress, more yo-yo dieting, unhealed trauma, too many antibiotics, too many doctors who treated the symptoms rather than the causes and treatments that created more problems. I understand that the out of whack situation you talk about and that I have experienced is a common problem among women our age; the result of our view of our bodies, our have-to-do-it mentality, and perhaps changes in our food supply. I will never be an expert on all it, but I get at least part of the picture and so I’m stepping out in faith. The food I am able to eat for the next 14 days is very simply, fish, meat, poultry and vegetables, plus supplements and cranberry water. I’m thinking maybe sweet potatoes for comfort food? Perhaps I won’t need any comfort, especially if I have you in my corner! Thank you for sharing your journey.

        • If it’s not inappropriate, I recommend The Hormone Cure by Sara Gottfried, MD. She screwed up her own hormones, went to her doctor who patted on the head and said ‘you need antidepressants.’ She said to herself ‘wait a minute, I’m a scientist, I know I don’t need antidepressants’ and went on to figure out the root cause(s), regained her health, and now the book. Great information, easy to read, very empowering.

    • jzrart says:

      You can do it, Dorothy. You’ll feel so much better and you will be manifesting yourself! Keep up the great work.

      • I’m trusting that I will feel better jzrat, so I hope you are right! I’m tired of being leveled by every little stress that comes along. I intend to manifest “resiliency”!

  2. marianbeaman says:

    You are taking some steps in the right direction, Dorothy. One way to keep our outlook fresh and young is to change our perspectives. Katie Funk Wiebe, Mennonite memoirist, says she keeps her focus on new projects to stay young. (She’s almost 90!)

    In my view, Manifest me! packs a bigger punch than references to aging. And so, I applaud your change. Write on! And, as your sub-title suggests, I’ll join you in following the muse.

    • I’m so glad you’ll join me! You are such sunny face on my posts! I struggled with the self-focus of Manifest Me, but I’m so not into manifesting big houses and yachts or many trips to paradise. I just seem to be on an endless struggle for inner peace and an authentic lifestyle. It keeps eluding me…and then there’s the truth telling part of the equation. I want to try again to be honest and open and real and not to live up to some external expectation. The public eye has caused me to squirm and hide behind a less than honest me far too often. Not a place I like to live. My journey is mine and very messy, but maybe there is something in it that will benefit someone else.

  3. Chris Robson says:

    Dorothy, any change you or I decide to make in our lives, to make our todays better, takes COURAGE. I don’t think you’re a coward, as I do relate to your struggle. Hubby and I are embarking on some serious tweaking of a lifestyle change that began with him being diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes at age 55. Throw in me going thru menopause, dealing with a serious injury which threatens my career and voila! major crazy in my life and our household. One day at a time. Keep posting and know that many of us walk with you!

    • Thank you for your support, Chris. It sounds like you’ve faced many challenges and to still be able to offer encouragement to a fellow traveler speaks volumes about you. Life is lived in the trenches. It’s when we begin to think that it should be easy, or begin to believe that the success stories we read daily in the media, or the picture presented by flashy websites is all there is to life and all of the truth, that we may run into problems…like believing that there is something wrong with us because we still struggle and we aren’t quite “aging abundantly” (to use my own words!) Life throws us curves AND we’re not always on top of everything. No one is. I honor you and all who struggle to live life honestly one day at a time. I look forward to sharing this conversation with you.

  4. Dorothy, I’m constantly impressed by your positive attitude! No matter what life throws your way, you always come out swinging. I’m sure it doesn’t always feel that way from the inside, but you are an inspiration, believe me!

    As for the funky drinks, don’t be too hard on yourself—some of the stuff that’s good for us takes a while to get used to, especially when coming from a hamburgers-and-french-fries existence. I’ve been making slow transitions for about ten years now, and I can honestly say I’ve never felt as healthy and energetic as I do now that I’m on an almost exclusively vegetarian diet (yes, I do occasionally cheat, but less and less frequently as time goes on).

    I hope the rest of your day was a bit tastier than breakfast. 😉 Hang in there—you have lots of friends out here in cyberspace to cheer you on if you need a bit of motivation!

    • Thank you Candace! When I woke up this morning I was pretty sure I was more a “slow transitions” sort of person, but I’ve made it through 3/4’s of the first day and besides having a hard time thinking of what to eat, I haven’t been particularly hungry. Keeping focused on my work has been helpful. One tiny step at a time! Truthfully, I’ve never been a junk food eater of the fast food variety. My digestive system could never handle it and for that I think I’m fortunate. It kept me from drinking too much too! My weakness has always been sugar. I could go forever without protein but not fruit and dairy! This vegetable stuff…well, it’s my least favorite food item! Scott made some yummy salmon for dinner with tomatoes, capers, black olives and zucchini with asparagus. I truly enjoyed it, though I couldn’t help but long for a slice of the 9 grain bread he was eating! Thanks so much for your support!

  5. Kerstin says:

    Hi Dorothy, just found your blog and so happy I did. Last month I turned 51 and it’s been a challenge to find more people in that age range who blog about the things that are more challenging at this time of our lives. While I still love a lot of 30s and 40s blogs because I’ve been where they are now, I long for something closer to home. Anyway, with regards to your new healthy routine I am right there with your. I call it my ‘plan of sorts’ because I cannot fathom going on another diet or making a complete U-turn in how I eat and live. It’s baby steps for me and the goal is, indeed, a change in lifestyle. What is the green stuff you are drinking, spirulina, chlorella?? I am convinced that spirualina really helps me detox and feel more energetic but it’s not so nice (understatement!) to consume on its own and I usually mix it into a juice or smoothie, that completely disguises the taste. I’ll be back to follow your progress. Thank you!

    • Kerstin, I’m so happy to meet you! You are embarking on a marvelous time of life. Yes, it’s challenging, but filled with opportunities. While it is evident that I continue to struggle, my fifth decade was one of the absolute best decades of my life. In my soul I’ve always been a navel gazer, but I forced myself to live in the world and embrace life more superficially. If there’s one I’ve learned it’s that if we go against who we really are, there’s hell to pay! The “green stuff” is by Garden of Life and it’s called Alkalizer & Detoxifier, Raw Organic Green Super Food. When I get a chance I am going to post a page with “healthy routine” I am on. (I so agree with you about the d-word!) I look forward to getting to know you!

  6. Jill Davis says:

    Congratulations! It is wonderful to see you sharing your journey. Your journey, in all it’s ways is an inspiration to me.

  7. Hi Dorothy, I often pop in to see how you are doing. I think your new blog is a brilliant direction. As we know, we have no control over ageing and the more we can embrace it with a positive attitude and new desires about how to enhance our life, the better. Needless to say, health is an issue more for some than others. I wish you satisfaction and joy here!

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