I’m A Coward – Day #1

scared-catI may as well admit it right up front. When push comes to shove I’d much prefer to hide under the covers. The evidence is right here on this blog that I started in January. It’s now March. So much for “manifesting me”! Here’s what happened.

I wrote the poem, posted my first quote and was somehow, immediately and without a care in the world (ha!) swept away by my new quote site. My creative genius friend caught wind of what I was doing and between the two of us, spinning in the ever-widening circles of our imaginations, created a tempest in a teapot!

Now, I’m back here, two months later, taking another stab at “manifesting me”. I am beginning a new project on a new day. That one is over there somewhere doing it’s thing and I will continue to work away on it, but….is it me? No, not really. In fact, it’s an extreme example of what I swore off when I started this blog…curating! You see, in my soul I’m a coward. Afraid to be me. Afraid to live an authentic life. I much prefer to hide under the cover of other people’s brilliance. Here, I will not do that.

Today is another new beginning. Another attempt to stick my head out of my hiding place and pull from inside of me what lies hidden there. I am taking another step in my healing and wholeness project, that began in earnest after my car accident. Today, I am embarking upon the healing of the body piece.  It begins with a 14 day “cleanse”.

How I hate all of this modern-day crap! Seriously. Not that the idea of ridding my body of all the icky stuff that shouldn’t be there, and I can tell by looking in the mirror that there’s an awful lot of it, it’s just  that the idea of anything radical involving my body has me shaking in my boots. I’ve had far too many experiences with radical physical change and suffering in my life to think that it could ever be good. I like things to remain in some sort of status quo, even if not perfect. Sadly, my intellect disagrees.

As I sat in Crystal’s office yesterday, passively nodding and shaking my head as she knowingly described the state of my “Rebellious Liver” (among other things) and spelled out every gory detail of her proposed Wellness Strategy for me, I thought I was game. After all I felt like bloody hell. It was time to take this step.

I’ve done a ton of psycho/spiritual work, but apart from chiropractic adjustments and massage, the body part of the mind/body/soul connection is clearly still out in left field.  I know it’s time.  I left her office with two bags of supplements and a notebook of information, schedules, protocols and fill-in the blank daily record sheets. I was ready to begin, not the least bit excited about the prospect, but determined to put one foot in front of the other. When I left her office I was more focused on when and how I’d fit in my last ice cream binge. I would start tomorrow.

Well, today is tomorrow. I did have my hot fudge sundae after my hamburger and french fries dinner last night, but I can’t say I enjoyed it. After last week’s mega stressors (husband’s car accident, nature’s tree pruning) my body has fallen back into full-blown PTSD mode. Which means that my digestion has pretty much stopped. Not a good feeling. I worked hard to convince myself that I was enjoying my last splurge in a gallant effort to motivate and prepare myself for today.

When I woke up this morning, however,  everything in me said, NO! Can’t do it. Don’t want to do it. The only structure I have in my life right now is my morning coffee, my fruit and yogurt for lunch and my after dinner decaf with flavored cream. She wants me to give up ALL OF IT! “Hell no” were the only two words that played in my mind throughout the early morning hours before I was quite awake.

When Scott met me at the bathroom door with a steaming hot cup of coffee at daybreak, I grabbed it. (Sorry, Crystal!)  I sipped and savored it  with much more enjoyment than usual. As I did, I began to formulate a plan. I’d follow some of the protocol. I’d work up to it, a little bit at a time. That makes much more sense! After all it can’t be good to shock the system with all that healthy stuff all at once! My body might shut down entirely! It wouldn’t know what to do!

photo (24)I put off breakfast as long as possible. I changed my routine and walked Rowdy first. When I returned I put the water on to boil for a soft-boiled egg. This morning it would be minus the toast and plus the gacky green stuff mixed with water. Okay, I’ll see if I can get through the breakfast menu.

I ate the egg first, sprinkled with a little salt. This was food I recognized and understood. My stomach needed a layer of normalcy before I put all the “natural stuff” in it. Once consumed I knew it was time. I blocked as many of my senses as I could (mentally at least) and mixed up the green stuff. (The manufacturers have the nerve to label the container “PERFECT FOOD”! Certainly not my idea of perfect food…and I’m pretty sure it wasn’t God’s notion when he created our lovely green earth and all its frozen yogurt shops.)

I took a deep breath of courage and did my very best to bypass all of my senses as I swallowed and guzzled as much of it as I could, as fast as I could, before my body knew what hit it. Good? Hell, no! Disgusting? eh, manageable. I’m two-thirds of the way through the concoction as we speak, and I’ve taken all of my prescribed supplements. So far I’m still standing. But, that was just breakfast! Oi!

This insanity is designed to give me energy, to help my body cope with the effects of PTSD and too many years of stress, and basically just to feel better.  I’m pretty sure I can’t keep going on the way I was.  So here goes. Hopefully I’ll be back again tomorrow with an update.

Dorothy Sander 3/12/14

Day #1 – I’m a Coward

Day #2 – The Morning after the Night Before

Day #3 – There are No Words

Day #4 – Coming Full Circle

Day #5 & #6 – Hyped Up and Nowhere to Go

Day #7 – The Body, Mind, Spirit Connection

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