A Safe Place

, 3670679730_5c947acfb8As I began my healing work, I was guided ever so gently toward the discovery of my safe place. Finding this space was not easy, nor was it anything like I expected it to be. I did not expect to go inside of myself and find an anchor, a lifeline, a living, breathing being that was at once me…and not me…that was a guide, a teacher, a lover and a friend.

BABY STEPS

I remember, years ago, pregnant with my first child, lying on the floor in the great room of my Lamaze instructor’s home. Propped up by the pillows I dutifully carried with me each week, one under each arm and my belly leading the way, I lay in wait, not only for the birth of my first child, but for the guidance I so desperately sought during the last months of my pregnancy. Elaine’s classes was an opportunity to literally and figuratively lay down my burden and be cared for. I was learning to care for myself a bit as well.

The class was large, and while I was mostly silent, I took it all in. Each lesson was on one aspect or another of pregnancy and delivery, and what I learned prepared me even as I knew instinctively that nothing could prepare me for the real experience.

BREATHE IN PEACE

At the end of each class, the instructor led us through a relaxation and meditation exercise. “Your calmness will carry through to your child,” she said. “Now, let’s get comfortable, close our eyes and breathe in peace.” She joined us on the floor and the room grew quiet. Then the swish of air in and out of the lungs of my neighbors began in earnest. With each breath I took, I turned inward trying desperately to forget the drum beat of time that was catapulting me toward an unknown and terrifying experience.

Try as I might, I could not “breathe in peace”. I could not shut off my chattering mind and capture the blissful peace everyone else seemed to be doing.  Each week, I’d place my hands on my tummy, trying to hold and love my beautiful unborn baby while my brain went to war with itself.  I wanted that peace she described and yet I remained saturated in fear and despair…and invariably left with an additional layer of shame and guilt. I failed at bliss.

GUIDANCE IN A CRYSTAL

Decades later, at a very different time and in a very different place, I was handed another opportunity to enter into this quiet place.  This time I was either ready to let go, or, more likely tricked into letting go. But, either way, I lost every battle I waged for thirty long years. I had reached the bottom. Again. A young woman came into my life, whose guidance I would have to make a conscious decision to accept. I had no more tricks up my sleeve, no more clever nuances of intellect or ego to help me escape.

Deeply traumatized and frightened beyond reason, my body and mind were ravaged by life. I would either take her hand or die. It was that simple. I guess I wasn’t ready to die, though I wasn’t convinced of that when I closed my eyes and followed Crystal’s lead into my first guided imagery meditation.

Her gentle voice led me and I followed, breath by breath. It was if she knew exactly what I needed and exactly what to say. She held my spiritual hand and showed me how to allow the breath of peace to do its work.  Step by step, breath by breath she led me to the door of my soul. It was only the beginning. The merest start, and yet, it was huge.

OPENING THE DOOR

That day, I came face to face with the door of my safe place.  A large, thick wooden door with decorative square panels and a large gold handle, its large brass knocker seemed to mock me. When Crystal suggested that I open the door I was overwhelmed with fear. Everything in my body resisted forward motion. I could not move my mind to allow myself to open the door. I stood frozen in place, shaking inside and out.

“What is keeping you from opening the door?”, she asked. What, or who, is taking your strength and blocking your path?” Eyes shut, tears running down my cheeks, I was one with my imaginary world. As I stood in that place in front of the door I told her what came to me in that moment, “I am terrified to go in alone”.

“Is there someone you would like to invite into the room with you? Someone who will hep you and support you? Remember, this is your space. You are the only one who can invite someone in and you can ask them to leave whenever you want.  Is there someone who you can ask to help you open the door? They can be real or imaginary.”

A HELPING HAND

Immediately, my husband came to mind. He reached for my hand. As I took his hand, he pushed the door open, but he did not go in first. He held the door for me as I walked in. He stood behind me for a few moments and then gradually disappeared. I was safely inside, and I knew I no longer needed him there with me.

I breathed in the sunshine and fresh air as I tentatively and  slowly explored the space in which I found myself.  Surrounded by beautiful, lush green gardens and soft, colorful flowers I sat down on a smooth, round, rock beside a small pond. I watched the birds flit from tree to tree and the bees buzz from flower to flower. I listened to the water trickle down a tiny waterfall at the edge of the pond as cool breezes washed over my skin and the sun warmed my shoulders. This was a peaceful place. This was the place where my soul lived. I had come home.

It was hard to leave that day,  but I learned quickly that it is always there for me when I choose to visit. Throughout the course of my healing journey from PTSD, and the continued healing of all of life’s wounds, I  find strength and guidance here in this place. My imagination, my soul self, is my guide and teacher. Through guided imagery meditation with Crystal and more and more frequently alone in quiet private meditation, I find strength, peace, guidance, answers, direction and healing.

Creating a New Life

A Grounding Place

 

4 Replies to “A Safe Place”

  1. I really appreciate how brave you are to blog though your experiences. I still remember our first guided imagery work and it left a huge impression on me too. Its one thing to experiment with yourself and read theory, but to see the power of it in action is something else. Thank you for reminding me of your wonderful experience. It is always my honor to share that which has also saved me….

    1. You have been such a blessing in my life Crystal. If you do half of what you’ve done for me for others, the world will be a far, far better place than it could ever have been without you in it.

  2. I liked the line,’ i was safely inside. I knew i no longer needed him in there with me.’
    I could relate to, feeling the need for someone to be by my side, however when i actually stand on my own, i now i have the ability. It is very liberating from, the containment of fear. Thank you for sharing your experience.
    perhaps you would like to read my blog post, ‘Using fear to motivate you’

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