FEAR. How to Uncover this Powerful Emotion and Not Let it Control You
YES, I AM AFRAID. OFTEN.
FEAR – It arises in all of us. Then it drifts away and we forget, until it returns again. Whether it’s the threat of a hurricane or flooding, forest fire or political mayhem, a serious illness or the loss of a spouse, this emotion is part of life. For many, however, it is a daily occurrence, a constant companion, a waking nightmare.
I spent most of my life in a state of fear. We don’t always know or recognize that what we are feeling is, in fact, fear. We may mistake it for anger, sadness, depression, or anxiety. These make more sense when we are listening to our surface feelings. We tend to run away from fear and don masks to protect ourselves. Why do we run from our fear?
FEAR AND SHAME
François Gall, “Jeune Fille au Piano” (“Young Girl at the Piano”)
Even if we recognize fear in the moment, we often do not recognize the true source of our fear. When I was in 9th grade speech class was required. As an introvert, a “quiet, shy girl”, I would have preferred to be locked in a cage with wild dogs than face speaking in front of the class. Dread followed me from class to class that year. What was I afraid of? At the time, I did not have a clear understanding of the source of my fear. It was far bigger than I was.
What I knew was the everyday experience of fear causing my brain to lose its ability to form words. I was a bundle of emotions in a body. Images sometimes accompanied the emotions, but no words. Ever. Fear renders me mute only compounding my anxiety around public speaking.
In fourth grade I sat down to play in front of an audience in a piano recital. My rapid heartbeat took away my ability to concentrate on the piece I was playing and I stumbled through making mistake after mistake. It was a piece I knew well, but playing by heart was not something I could do because fear replaced my brain. By 9th grade I’d had enough experience to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that standing in front of a classroom of my peers and trying to speak would be a disaster. FEAR. It’s all-consuming.
It took me fifty years to learn and accept that fear was not a character flaw, though deep programming undermines my conviction at times still. I also learned that shame is the deep belief not that I made a mistake, but that I was a mistake. Shame is the result of deep feelings of inferiority that most often arises from being told that we are flawed by those closest to us.
CULTURAL AND FAMILIAL EXPECTATIONS
Everything about our culture tells us we must be perfect. We must not show our fear or shame. We must be strong, independent, self-reliant, like everyone else, and at the same time not like anyone else. My parents, indoctrinated in a similar fashion, believed it was their responsibility to change me so that I would “fit in” and be acceptable to the world. They didn’t understand that I would never be like anyone else. I was unique. Each one of us is unique.
What is not unique about us is theexperience of fear. And, it’s okay. In fact, it’s part of how we were created. It protects us and is our first line of defense, but it need not own us. We are more than our fear. Much more. But when we deny it, shove it down, or shame ourselves for feeling the way we do, we don’t allow the feelings to flow through our bodies and out. Instead, they remain stuck within us, churning away, clouding our sense of reality and squeaking out as anger, resentment, and depression.
Next time you feel a powerful emotion, no matter what it is, ask yourself, what do I fear in this moment? Why am I afraid? Your answer may surprise you. But, when you are able to answer this question, the fear will begin to dissipate and strength and courage will begin to grow.
2 Replies to “FEAR. How to Uncover this Powerful Emotion and Not Let it Control You”
LOVED this Dorothy. Thank you for stating exactly where Im at now.
I am writing about theseissues now in my memoir. I also survived PTSD (C-PTSD) and a lifetime of fear and anxiety issues. I am confronting them all now, at age 57. Its time. I am no longer holding my fear down, like a Jack-n-theBox head. I am no longer shaming myself for feeling the fears. Thank you so much for writing this piece.
I could relate to every word you wrote especially about the fears surrounding performing your piano. I made a living as an entertainer and had to retire because of my fears, so I get it!
Thanks especially for THIS! Loooved it.
“Fear need not own us. We are more than our fear. Much more. But when we deny it, shove it down, or shame ourselves for feeling fear, we don’t allow it to flow through our bodies and out. It remains stuck within us, churning away, clouding our sense of reality and squeaking out as anger, resentment, and depression.”
I am doing all of THIS now in therapy. What perfect words here.
“Next time you feel a powerful emotion, no matter what it is, ask yourself, what do I fear in this moment? Why am I afraid? Your answer may surprise you. But, when you are able to answer this question, the fear will begin to dissipate and strength and courage will begin to grow.”
So happy you found my thoughts useful and relevant. I started my journey through this process when I was about the same age as you are now. I used every bit of those ten years to make the changes I needed to make, gather the support to make it happen and practice, practice, practice. The journey doesn’t end, but somewhere along the line you begin to recognize the shifts that continue to take place and those shifts improve one’s quality of life a little more each day. We learn, we understand, we practice, we take it out into the world. It’s when we do the last thing that we see how we’ve changed. The more we are able to bring our shadow into the light, the better we can manage it. I look forward to reading your memoir when it is done. Do keep me in the loop! Thank you for sharing your thoughts here. Dorothy
LOVED this Dorothy. Thank you for stating exactly where Im at now.
I am writing about theseissues now in my memoir. I also survived PTSD (C-PTSD) and a lifetime of fear and anxiety issues. I am confronting them all now, at age 57. Its time. I am no longer holding my fear down, like a Jack-n-theBox head. I am no longer shaming myself for feeling the fears. Thank you so much for writing this piece.
I could relate to every word you wrote especially about the fears surrounding performing your piano. I made a living as an entertainer and had to retire because of my fears, so I get it!
Thanks especially for THIS! Loooved it.
“Fear need not own us. We are more than our fear. Much more. But when we deny it, shove it down, or shame ourselves for feeling fear, we don’t allow it to flow through our bodies and out. It remains stuck within us, churning away, clouding our sense of reality and squeaking out as anger, resentment, and depression.”
I am doing all of THIS now in therapy. What perfect words here.
“Next time you feel a powerful emotion, no matter what it is, ask yourself, what do I fear in this moment? Why am I afraid? Your answer may surprise you. But, when you are able to answer this question, the fear will begin to dissipate and strength and courage will begin to grow.”
Michelle Monet
So happy you found my thoughts useful and relevant. I started my journey through this process when I was about the same age as you are now. I used every bit of those ten years to make the changes I needed to make, gather the support to make it happen and practice, practice, practice. The journey doesn’t end, but somewhere along the line you begin to recognize the shifts that continue to take place and those shifts improve one’s quality of life a little more each day. We learn, we understand, we practice, we take it out into the world. It’s when we do the last thing that we see how we’ve changed. The more we are able to bring our shadow into the light, the better we can manage it. I look forward to reading your memoir when it is done. Do keep me in the loop! Thank you for sharing your thoughts here. Dorothy