Moments come along every minute of the day when we get to choose whether or not we will be real or wear one of our masks. In fact, much of the time we may even think we are being real but we’re really play acting.
ROLE PLAYING STARTS EARLY
Putting on a mask, pretending to think and feel something we don’t really think or feel starts at a very early age. Pretending starts so early we believe it is who we truly are. We don’t need to blame ourselves for this. It’s human nature and all tied up in our survival instinct and the life and death need to be a part of the tribe. It keeps us alive, especially as children. The desire to love and be loved is encoded deep in our DNA, in the survival instinct. In no small part this is why it’s so tricky to figure out who we really are. But, not impossible.
If we are born into and bonded with individuals who valued and embraced the real us the natural scheme works fine. I venture a guess that for 99.9% of us it doesn’t work out that way. We are born into families who mistreat us, try to change us, don’t care about who we are, or in other words are not the soul mothers, fathers, sisters, or brothers – the ones who will provide the support and guidance – we need to remain who we were born to be.
OUR MASKS MAY KEEP US SAFE BUT WE SUFFER
Instead, our less than perfect upbringing kicks off a wild and albeit necessary ride on a very rock road! Yes, necessary. We are launched into life with one hand tied behind our back and a foot in our back pocket. Then we’re told to go out there and knock ’em dead. Who and what gets knocked dead is us. The walking wounded.
Sadly, our lives aren’t a reflection of who we are. The masks we wear have replaced the real person we are. Our relationships are with people who allow us to continue to be the person with the foot in the back pocket. We allow them to be the person with both hands tied behind their backs. It’s a win-win. Well. Not really. No, not at all. Because it hurts the back to be tied up so. It causes us to limp and wobble and fall over without any limbs to catch us.
Believe it or not, this imbalance is the silver lining in the cloud. We trip, and wobble and fall down, again and again, until we either kill ourselves or figure out that we’re supposed to reach back and untie the ties; to free our built-in support system. Our feet, legs and arms are there for a reason. We also have a powerful inner guidance system, that is there to help us maintain our balance and navigate the treacherous waters of life.
ALL CHANGE BEGINS WITH ONE STEP
We must take the first step, however and choose to remove our masks one at a time. It is up to us to make the choice to cut the ties that bind us and to make the effort to learn to use our navigation system. Making choices when they present themselves to allow our true self to be seen little by little, choice by choice. This is how we learn who we are, or rather, remember who we are. Falling down actually sets us free.
In order to take our mask off we have to know we have one, and the way we know we have one is through the pain we feel. Conflict, confusion, collapse. The three C’s.
REMOVE YOUR MASKS BY TAKING A LOOK AT THE THREE C’S
Conflict – Indecision, anger, depression; “My true self fights with my mask self. I try to make myself be or do something that is not right for me. My job makes me sick. The clothes I wear are to please my husband. My hair is the way my mother used to like it. Simple examples. Or, part of me wants to be in this relationship, part of me doesn’t. And so, I stay…and stay…and stay. Why? Identity conflict. I’m part mask, part me trying to be me.”
Confusion – Living life in a constant state of confusion, not-sureness, uncertainty and/or fear. “Afraid or unwilling to look honestly at what’s making me uncomfortable with my choices in life. I am unable to take responsibility for myself and my choices. I think it’s to follow a path of least resistance. It feels like I will be avoiding more pain by continuing with the status quo.”
Collapse – Giving up or giving in. “I don’t try anymore. All I do is what is necessary to get by. Sleep and dissociation help me avoid my feelings. Avoidance of feelings is possible through computer games, alcohol, shopping binges, food. I’m just going along for the ride and no longer try.”
Conflict, confusion and collapse are all gifts. If we receive them in the Spirit in which they were intended, we will open ourselves to the process of transformation.
One of the very first gifts I received was the gift of depression. MORE TO COME
Dorothy — For survival purposes I made the choice to “cut the ties that bind” and ran away from home at the age of 15. It was an extremely rough row to hoe, but I would do it again — a necessary ingredient in who I am today, how I look at the world, what I choose to embrace, and what I choose to release. I look forward to your “more to come.”
[Note: my running away had nothing to do with my mother, and everything to do with my father].
Laurie, I just read your “Gutsy Story” last night! Loved it! You’re an inspiration. Would love to read the story behind the story one day. Hope you write it, if you haven’t already.
Dorothy — I’m currently working on a memoir that takes place between ages 7 and 21. It’s titled, “Fourteen Christmases.” The fly in the ointment is that my sister has said she’ll sue me if I publish it. And while we don’t share the same experiences, we share the same father (who is no longer living). Hence, I’m currently seeking advice from an intellectual property attorney.
What a difficult position to be in, Laurie. I’ll be interested to hear what you find out. I’ve been working on some memoir stories myself and have wondered about the potential fall out.
What drew me to this post ( yes I confess it…lol) was the mask.. wow!!
On a more serious note, you have raised some very very good points.
To me wearing a mask is another form of “faking it ” which is nothing more than a lie. When you do these kinds of actions ( as it takes work to create that mask or to fake your feelings) you are really disrespecting yourself on every level..
If we don’t like being disrespected ~ then we need to start with not disrespecting ourselves
Yes, Diane. I like what you say. We completely disrespect ourselves. We live in utter disregard for the gifts with which we were born. Thank you, my friend, for sharing your thoughts.
you are always welcome Dorothy –
It is my goal to have my inner and outer self correspond. Otherwise, I don’t believe I’m true to my authentic self. At age 23, it became clear that I could not remain in the culture I was raised in and be “real,” so I left the outer trappings of that way of life behind, but not the true values I espouse even today.
Thoughtful post, Dorothy!
Thanks, Marian. Walking the middle way is the real challenge. Rebellion is one thing, and we all do it, but hanging on to those deep core values and beliefs is essential. I admire your courage!
Fabulous post Dorothy! This must be the week for sharing our souls. 🙂 This article has similar tones to my current post in the way that I write about much of what we carry is inbred in us from childhood. It’s a dangerous circle we can get caught up in when we’re not supported emotionally as children and left to fend for ourselves as we grow and enter relationships. The masks we wear to become someone we aren’t or to hide all we wish we were can become tattooed on if we don’t find our way to self love. 🙂
It’s a process that I think begins for many of us at midlife and continues on, hopefully, until we move on out of this world. Shedding the trappings, healing the wounds, finding our souls is the purpose of our wisdom years. Some of us dig deeper, push harder and further, driven by a pain so deep we simply have to find our way out or through. It is our gift. Our blessing. And I am grateful to have such caring, wise women journeying beside me. We are each other’s strength and sign posts. Thank you, Debbie for being here.
I love this post. This is such a rich and also complex issue, especially for women in our culture. We wear aspirational masks and relationship masks and we wear survival masks in a society that talks authenticity but applauds (and confuses) ‘fake it till you make it’ – worsening the chasm between who we are and who we think others want us to be.
It’s only logical that this leads to your three C’s and what you’re going to write about next I think — that issue of depression. I look forward to reading more.
Thank you, D. Yes, we are confused daily, even hourly. I watch the stream of Facebook some days and wonder what the heck we’re supposed to do with such a culture. I’m drawn in less and less by it all in any real sense and yet the underlying tension remains. The past the calls us to “something more” that isn’t what we’ve become; a future that’s only a fantasy that we wish were the easy way out and know that it isn’t. Growing into wisdom and authenticity is hard work. I don’t always want to do it. But, not doing it exacts a price far greater.
What a great post, Dorothy! We talk so often about living an authentic life, but we can’t do that until we find the courage to take off our masks. And I love the 3 Cs we have to walk through to do it. So true!
Most women can relate to this post. And I think lots of men would be puzzled by it. The family experience was just so different for the former, at least in our generation 🙂 As Gloria Steinem said, many of us grew up as female impersonators.
Thank you for this! And I can’t wait to see part 2 🙂
Oh yes, Susan! Good point! Men are working out their wisdom years from a very different direction. I have hope that we will meet somewhere in the middle one day. My older brothers don’t get me at all. It’s almost as if we grew up in two different families. A ten year age difference adds to it. So much changed in our society during that decade for women. I remember longing to hang out with the men during holiday gatherings. I hated to cook, clean and wash dishes. I wanted to chop down trees and go for rides in the latest cool vehicle in our household. Much more exciting! Not encouraged. Thanks for sharing your thoughts! Insightful and appreciated as always. 🙂