If you want to have a happy healthy marriage, there are a few basic things to keep in mind. Regardless of age or circumstances, a healthy marriage takes effort and a mutual commitment to work through disagreements as they arise. Things can get very complicated in a hurry and the longer one is married the more challenging it can be to get to untangle the web. But, it’s not impossible! Remember, there is no such thing as a perfect marriage!
Communication is Key
In any relationship, communication is key. This is especially true in marriage. Taking time every day to talk to your spouse about what’s going on in their life helps couples stay connected. Ask what they’ve been doing, thinking about and feeling and listen carefully without judgement. Only offer advice and feedback if they ask for it. This is a skill that can be developed over time.
Good conversation keeps couples connected and feeling close. Likewise, be sure to communicate your own needs and feelings to your spouse. Help them learn what’s important to you and what kind of support is helpful. We like to think our spouse should just “know”, but that’s seldom the case. Marriage is a partnership, and it’s important to work together to make it work.
If you’re having trouble communicating with your spouse, there are many resources available to give you some help. Marriage counseling can be a great way to improve communication skills. A good therapist will walk you through what to say and how to say what you want to say, and how to listen. In couple’s therapy you can practice your communication skills with a trusted observer to guide and protect you.
Schedule Date Nights
It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been marriage date nights are a great way to put a little spark back in your marriage. A date night is a perfect opportunity to connect without distraction on a level playing field. Agree to put away all distractions, such as phones and laptops, and focus on each other. Talk about things that are important to you, or anything that’s been on your mind lately. Really listen to what your spouse has to say, and try to see things from their perspective.
Don’t Go To Bed Angry
To ensure a healthy marriage, do your best to work through difficult feelings, rather than shove them aside. Try not to go to bed angry or hold grudges against your spouse. If you’re upset about something, talk it out with them so that you can resolve the issue. If a resolution is not forthcoming, agree to set it aside and talk about it again the next day.
Develop techniques to de-escalate conflict before it gets too heated, and try to communicate calmly with each other. Again, marriage counseling can give you the tools to do this. You may want to develop a plan when things are calm between you as to how you will handle conflict when it arises.
Know How To De-escalate Conflicts
Every couple has disagreements. What’s important is how you handle those disagreements. Learning how to de-escalate a conflict before it turns into a full-blown argument helps you create a healthy marriage. One way to do this is by using “I” statements instead of the accusatory “you” statements. For example, instead of saying “You never listen to me,” try saying “I feel like I’m not being heard.”
An “I” statement communicates your message but it does not blame your spouse or put him on the defensive. Another way to de-escalate a conflict is to take a break if things get too heated. Agree to take some time apart so that you can calm down and think more clearly about the situation. Then, come back together and discuss the issue more calmly. These conflict resolution worksheets might help you with that.
Both partners need to be willing to compromise and see things from each other’s perspective in order to de-escalate conflicts successfully. It’s also important to remember that no one is perfect, and that everyone makes mistakes. Try to be understanding and forgiving when your spouse does something that upsets you. After all, you’re in this relationship together!
Show Your Appreciation
Show your partner that you appreciate them. Acknowledge and thank them for the things they do, and for simply just being who they are. Start small if this has not been a habit.
Offer Compliments
One way to show your partner that you appreciate them is to compliment them. This can be done in small ways throughout the day, such as telling them they look nice, or it can be done in more significant ways, such as expressing how proud you are of their accomplishments. Whatever form it takes, expressing your admiration and appreciation for your partner is a key part of keeping your relationship strong.
Do Thoughtful Things
Another way to show your partner that you appreciate them is to do thoughtful things for them. This could be anything from making them breakfast in bed to taking care of a chore you know they hate. Whatever it is, it should be something that shows you are thinking about them and wanting to make their life a little bit easier. A little thing can make a big difference.
Say “I Love You”
Of course, one of the most important ways to show your partner that you appreciate them is to say “I love you.” These three little words can mean so much, and they’re often the most powerful way to show just how much you care. So don’t forget to say them often! When you’ve been married a long time, it’s easy to get careless about such things. But, it’s important to a maintain a satisfying and healthy marriage.
Be Supportive
Share Chores and Responsibilities
In any relationship, it’s important to share chores and responsibilities. Things cannot always be perfectly balanced, but if over time one person is doing more than their share resentment can build. Even if you have different roles within the household, try to pitch in and help out whenever you can. Pay attention to what needs to be done and what your spouse is doing. It can be helpful to open up a conversation on this topic to see if you and your spouse are on the same page. In this way you can nip resentment in the bud.
Be Interested in Your Partner’s Hobbies
We all have different interests and hobbies, but our spouses feel valued when we show an interest in what interests them. This doesn’t mean you have to start liking and doing the same things. It simply shows you’re interested in them and what they care about. It’s also a great way to get to know more about them.
Showing genuine curiosity by asking questions about their interests lets them know that you care. You may want to consider participating in their hobbies with them, even if you don’t think you’ll like it. It’s not something you have to do forever. Buying them a gift related to their hobby is also a great way to let them know you care about them.
Listen and Offer Advice
Sometimes your partner just needs someone to listen to them, without offering advice or trying to fix the problem. Just being there for them can be a huge support. But sometimes they might also wan some advice or guidance from you.
If you’re not sure whether your partner wants advice or just a listening ear, you can always ask them. It’s important to be respectful of what they want and need in that moment. Avoid forcing your ideas and opinions on them, even if you think they’re brilliant! Strive to respect their ability to come to their own conclusions at their own pace. If they invite your input, share what you think will be helpful, whether it’s information or perspective and let them know that it’s okay if your ideas don’t work for them.
A happy, healthy marriage doesn’t just happen. Love can carry us through all sorts of things, but conveying our love and concern to another human being in any relationship takes skill and practice. Time and patience, commitment and expert guidance, and trial and error will help you create a sustainable relationship that can last a lifetime.
The word “marriage” in your post today caught my eye. All good advice, Dorothy.
As a matter of fact, I am writing a marriage memoir (55 years) to be published spring 2023.
This is a guest post. But, I’m glad you stopped by! I’ve thought about writing a memoir on my marriage – so many twists and turns! I look forward to reading yours. I will watch for its release.