Making choices and setting limits are two invaluable tools for mental health and self-discovery. This is especially true at midlife and during times of transition and change.
Our choices define who we are and saying yes to what we want and no to what we don’t want tells others who we are. Each time we make a choice we place a building block in the very foundation upon which we live. It is the avenue for creating both a meaningful life and peace of mind.
Midlife is a time when many women question what brought them to where they are and if, in fact, they want to be there at all. It’s the perfect time to make choices and set limits. For decades raising children, building careers, and taking care of everyone and everything was how we chose to live. It’s what drove us.
When the dust begins to settle, the house is a little quieter and the demands either easing or growing tedious, we sense it’s time to shift.
MAKING CHOICES
Personally, I felt very stuck in my fifties. Things had not turned out as I thought they would in so many areas of my life. My children were off doing their thing and I was doing too many things that no longer felt satisfying.
I remember walking the treadmill at the club I belonged to at the time and listening to “Turn the Page”. I can’t remember now whether it was the Metallica version or the Bob Seger version, but what I do remember is that it became the drum beat for a new beginning.
It was indeed time to “turn the page” and I was ready. But where to begin? I didn’t have a clue. As serendipity would have it, I picked up a book. I’ve always find a book I need to read exactly when I need to read it. This was one of those times, and it was Simple Abundance, A Daybook of Comfort and Joy by Sarah ban Breathnach. If you don’t have a copy, get one. If you do, but haven’t read it, begin.
I put my in next to my bed and read the days excerpt every morning first thing. You can find your own special time and place. It takes ten minutes max. There are so many quoteables in this book.
“Little changes [and] little choices add up to be revolutionary changes in your life.”
Somewhere in the book she talks about removing one thing from your home that you don’t like and replacing it with something you do like. If you don’t know what you like, leave the space empty until just the right thing comes along. This can be as simple as a picture on your wall, or a bedspread, a lamp or a candle. This enjoyable little game can bring about much bigger changes. It did for me.
As you begin to define, in small yet concrete ways, what you like and don’t like you begin to find your edges. You start to take shape as a person. Soon you’re making big choices, like me when I left the business my husband and I started together and worked for twenty years, and started to write. Turning pages is contagious, energizing, transformative.
SAYING “NO”
Another way of finding out who we are and what we want is by saying no. It is said that our no’s are often more important than our yesses.
If you’re feeling stuck, start saying no and carve out some space for yourself. Being stuck is really about indecision. We don’t know where to turn, we don’t know what to decide. Often it’s because there are too many demands and not enough quiet time for self-discovery.
“To allow oneself to be carried away by a multitude of conflicting concerns, to surrender to too many demands, to commit oneself to too many projects, to want to help everyone in everything, is to succumb to the violence of our times.”
―
You may be someone who has a million options running through your head, but you remain frozen. There is a growing awareness that the clock is ticking that makes every move seem frighteningly important. We can’t get it wrong. We don’t want to get it wrong.
Keep in mind that every choice we make, right or wrong, is a learning experience. Say no to everything that doesn’t energize you, even if you are left with an empty calendar. Then take one small step.
One of the first steps I made was to join a health club. The hour I spent on the treadmill was where I did a ton of emotional work. Moving the body, listening to music, imagining, dreaming, longing all launched me on the path of rediscovery. I didn’t know that would happen when I made the choice. I only thought about the number of times I joined a fitness club only to waste a whole lot of money not going! This time was different.
TUNE IN TO YOUR YESSES
Every yes to external demands is time and energy spent. Think of it as a bank account. When you say yes you’re depleting your bank account. When you say no to external demands you’re adding time and energy to your personal bank account. Spend wisely. Grow your personal energy account until it’s overflowing, then spend wisely. Always give from your abundance where it’s easy to give. Beware of nickel and diming your energy and time on things that don’t matter.
MY RECOMMENDED READING LIST
I like the Queenism you posted here, and I have an ancient come of Simple Abundance still on my bookshelf. It is decades old, mind you!
Mine too!