Taking on the role of caregiver to aging parents brings many mixed emotions, and a ton of extra items on our to-do list. On the one hand, we may be pleased to have the opportunity to spend more time with them, to give back some of what they’ve given us. On the other, it requires a commitment of time and energy that may continue for years. It also often happens at a time in our life when other demands are high. Our own children may still need looking after and guidance, and/or our career aspirations are front and center in our mind.
The aging process is accompanied with many changes. Perhaps one of the one of the most significant is the changing relationship with our elderly parents. If we are one of the lucky ones who grew up with parents who took care of us, worried about us, and were always there when we needed them, the change can come as a shock. We are used to depending on them for support. Now, however, the roles are reversed. They need us to look after them. When this shift takes place suddenly, through unexpected illness, we may find we feel anger and resentment mixed in with our genuine concern for people we love.
For others, whose parents were not so caring, resentment and anger can become a primary emotion. They weren’t there for us, why should we care for them? And yet, we feel a sense of obligation, perhaps, to do for them what they did not seem to be able to do for us. Complex emotions come roaring to the fore.
Working through these complicated emotions helps reduce the stress of caring for aging parents. It is possible to find and maintain our connection with what’s most important to us. Begin with small steps and build a manageable life in which you are an important part of the plan.
Share the Responsibility
When we set aside our own needs to take care of others, one of the first emotions to surface is resentment. I’ve come to depend on this emotion to signal to me that I am neglecting my own needs, and putting to many others in front of myself. Resentment and frustration can quickly spill over into other relationships, complicating things further.
Secondary emotions that may arise along with resentment, especially if the cause of the resentment is not addressed, are anger and guilt. Resentment, left unattended, can spill over into anger, and guilt that we are not handling our obligations the way we would like to.
All of these emotions can be minimized by finding ways to ease the care burden. Look for ways to ease your responsibilities. You cannot do everything yourself, and indeed, you should not. Of course, family members are the first to call upon. This may entail uncomfortable conversations, but necessary. You should not need to struggle alone when you have others to help.
If there are no family members to take on a few of the chores, look for ways to make things easier any way that you can. Order groceries online for pickup. Double up tasks. Lean on a good friend a little knowing that you can, and will return the favor down the road.
Set Boundaries with Aging Parents
If you are now an empty nester, you may be enjoying having the house to yourself. Once the kids move out, it can take some getting used to, but you may be enjoying the freedom. Having your parents move in so you can care for them may seem like the logical next step. However, if this idea feels uncomfortable to you, you shouldn’t feel obligated to agree. Weigh the pros and cons carefully. Remember, your space, and maintaining your sense of self, is very important. Just being able to close the door or their needs for a time is invaluable.
Setting clear boundaries is a healthy way to protect your mental health and wellbeing. If sharing a space with your aging parents sets off alarm bells, explore alternative options with them. Such options may include assisted living communities that offer the right mix of care and independence. Many elderly people thrive in their new homes.
Maintain Communication
Effective communication is vital in family relationships. Communication is especially important when trying to create healthy boundaries and get the help you need from others. Preserving your wellbeing while helping others is not always easy, but keeping lines of communication open can make a big difference. This is another place where professional help can be a lifesaver. Seek the advice and support of therapist, pick up a book or take some classes to learn some tools for dealing with others in challenging situations.
