I would venture a guess that there are very few people who love being a caregiver to a husband or family member. Most caregivers find themselves in this role by default. A loved one falls ill and we are present and able. Women, by nature and cultural influences, are most often the care providers. We are mothers, grandmothers, teachers, nurses, healers, and nurturers. We value love, connection and community. It’s who we are.
And yet, we also have hopes, plans and dreams for our lives. We have careers, a desire to travel create and expand our own universe. We long to fulfill our very own personal destinies. But, as mothers, wives and daughters, destiny often puts us in the role of caregiver. How do we reconcile these two seemingly opposing lifestyles? How do we live out our very real and personal dreams while devoting so much time and energy to a loved one?
DISCOVER YOUR ROLE AS CAREGIVER
No two people are alike and so no two caregivers will reconcile their choices in the same way. However, if we step back for a moment from the day to day demands that keeps us bogged down, we may find our way through.
My first introduction to being a caregiver was watching my mother’s life unfold as she cared for my father. From the time she was in her mid sixties until my father died at eighty nine, she was his caregiver. I saw the choices she made. Sometimes she was bold and daring, like the time she orchestrated their two week trip to Europe. After a serious stroke my father was severely handicapped and content to stay at home. She was not. He loved her and so he complied, but it took her determination to make it happen.
At other times, she was resentful, bitter and depressed. Burdened by the hard work and drudgery of cooking, cleaning, and caring for Dad, she felt trapped. Sometimes she would stay in bed for a day, and Dad would bring her tea. He did not cook, but they managed. Eventually, she would drag herself out of bed and get back to it. Who hasn’t experienced something similar in their role as caregiver? Exhaustion is never far away.
UNEARTH THE POSSIBILITIES
What I am learning now being a caregiver for my husband is that I cannot do it alone. I don’t think my mother ever asked for help directly. And, when she received help she felt so much guilt, the relief fell away quickly. She believed that she should be strong enough to do it all herself. After all, it was her responsibility and her responsibility alone. I am, however, coming to see things differently.
Our generation of women has begun to discover the importance and value of self-care. It is an essential part of a healthy lifestyle. We talk often about this in the Aging Abundantly Community. It doesn’t come easily or naturally to most of us, but we work at it every day. How then do we incorporate this into our lives when we find we are at the beck and call of a sick loved one?
It’s not easy, but it is a challenge we must take on. I’m my mother’s daughter and her programming runs deep. At 71 I can’t think of more than a handful of times that I directly asked for help, and like my mother, guilt worked away at the relief. I now believe that the guilt and our inability to accept offers of help is also unkind to those who receive joy from giving!
UNLOAD THE GUILT
Unloading guilt is a process. Take a moment to think about how you feel when you offer help to a friend or family member and they receive it with relief and gratitude. It feels good! When we give freely to someone in need, we are the ones energized and uplifted. Why would we rob others of this joy? If you’re like me, it will take time and practice to fully grasp this concept, but it is worth the effort. Asking for help requires both self-confidence and the ability to trust.
Being a caregiver to a loved one is a learning process. Most of us come to it with little preparation. Therefore, we must be patient with ourselves as we learn the many lessons such a role provides. Like most challenges in life, caregiving is an opportunity to learn, grow and transform our view of ourselves and our life as a whole. It can teaches us humility, make us more self-aware and build our self-confidence. Being a caregiver to a loved one is a life challenge that may just help us learn to truly love both ourselves and others, from the inside out.
