Wrestling with fear is an integral part of building courage. As I mentioned in my last post however, “What is Courage”, daring to risk is not as easy as the new age gurus would have us believe. Not at all. Sure, sometimes a pep talk will push us into action for a time, but it takes more than that to sustain change and build courage we can depend on, especially when we are holding a giant bag of lemons as a reward for navigating life’s hard knocks!
ARE YOU HOLDING A BAG OF LEMONS?
If we’ve lived many years in survival mode, or externally focused, we may not have the tools we need to navigate the challenges we now face. I believe “aging abundantly” requires something more than gutting it out. It requires getting to know what we fear and how we came to fear it and building courage from the inside out.
The kind of fear that causes us to hemorrhage courage in later years often has its origins in childhood. We cannot necessarily jump right into that place, and it is okay to begin wherever and whenever fear arises.
Most of us have crafted very clever masks to insulate us from our greatest fears and our greatest pain. We develop avoidance behaviors so we don’t have to deal with it.
After my accident, I developed a powerful fear of driving on three-lane highways. On the surface, one would assume that my fear arose from the accident itself. There was much more too it, however. The accident was just the tipping point, the Universe giving me a wake-up call. The moment I realized our car was rolling over, I felt as if I was dreaming. I experienced powerlessness to the max. I was a passenger, not the driver, and I did not see it coming. Powerlessness was, and still is to some degree, a theme in my life, It began, however, in early childhood, not with the accident. This is just an example. Your connection to fear likely happened differently.
(Digging deep is best done with the guidance and support of a professional. I would be happy to offer suggestions in this regard.)
WRESTLING WITH FEAR – GENERATIONS OF STORED FEAR
When I leaf through my memory files, I can come up with any number of situations that triggered my fear. Some are fairly recent, some are back in the catacombs! A common thread weaves its way through all of them. How we handle fear as adults comes from what we learned about navigating fear as children.
Did our parents/caregivers teach us to rely on our intuition and instincts? Or did they teach us by word or example to follow the rules and avoid conflict? Were we rewarded for facing our fears or encouraged to hide? What did our parent’s do when they felt fear? Did we even know they experienced fear? If we did not, that must have made us think there was something wrong with us when we were afraid.
Like many of our generation, my parents came of age during the depression. I see now that they lived their lives in survival mode. They lived fearing the loss of everything they owned and fiscal conservatism was their modus operandi. Financial security was at the top of their list of priorities. This led to limited risk taking and a very pared down lifestyle. It left me feeling perpetually deprived, angry and ready to bust out. When I did, however, I was ill-equipped for what followed!
Wrestling with fear taught me a whole lot about myself — and my family of origin. Each time I was able to expose a hidden fear to the light of awareness I gained a little more courage. It’s not so much about changing ourselves, as becoming aware of who we already are and learning to rely on our very healthy and natural instincts.
Do you remember the first time you felt fear? A very recent time you felt fear? What was your response then? What steps did you take to calm your fears? Did it work?
If you enjoyed this post, you might like:
The Mask of Perception — When Things Aren’t What They Seem
The Mask of Depression — We Are Not Just Our Depression
My current full time job is taking care of my 90 & 91 year old parents, with their attendant health issues including dementia in my mother. One of the ‘gifts’ is seeing how their scars [no one gets out of childhood without scars] created my scars. They too are of the Depression era; I would say their basic world view stems from fear, from feeling helpless. It’s good to see these dynamics, and, exhausting to deal with both their stuff up close, and mine, as well as the day to day living with elder issues, settling into 2 new homes in a new region [New England to NC], transitioning into my husband’s retirement etal. Thanks Dorothy, for reminding me I’m not alone in this process, that my instincts are from my core truth, and that there is power in listening to where they come from, and where they are leading. Blessings on your life.
You are in the midst of the most challenging years of your life – at least they were for me! And exhausting for sure! As you suggest, the silver lining is the opportunity to wrestle with our past, our values and beliefs and reshape how we live the rest of our lives. I changed more during the ten year period of caring for and burying my parents than any other time of my life. I have a level of inner peace that I have never had before. I trust that it will be the same for you. Do take good care of yourself; every little thing you can do to give yourself rest, mental and physical, will serve you well over the long haul. Thank you so much for sharing a bit of your story here. And, welcome to North Carolina! (I bet your not loving the heat! Though my brothers in New England are complaining as well.)