Being a caregiver for your parents is a tough job, but we don’t always have a choice. We all want to be there for our families but we must also consider what is best for ourselves and our own family. When your parents can longer live alone you want to step in. You might decide, for example, to move them in with you or alternatively, to care for them in their own home. Either way, taking on the role of caregiver can become too much, physically, practically and emotionally.
You may eventually reach a point where you don’t think you can do it anymore. You may begin to feel as though you are not providing adequate care. If so, it’s time to let somebody else take over. It’s a tough decision and feelings of guilt are very common. Once the decision is made, telling your family is the next hurdle. If you are in this situation, doing some homework on how to tell them will help you be prepared.
Frame The Decision Properly
Most people in this situation fear that their family will think that they don’t care anymore. Of course that isn’t true, but do your best to get that across to them. This is why framing the conversation in the right way can make a big difference in how your message is received. Instead of saying, ‘I can’t care for them anymore’, say, ‘I can’t care for them in this way anymore’. Convey to family members that you are struggling with the situation as it is, that you need to make some changes, but you still want to help. You’re more likely to get a positive reaction this way.
Offer Alternatives
In addition to explaining that the current situation is too difficult, offer alternatives. Again, think this through beforehand. Is there someone else in the family who can help with some of the care? This would take some of the pressure off of you and make things more manageable. Or, it may be time to move your parents) into a senior housing facility. They will still have their independence but professional care is readily available. By offering alternatives, you demonstrate that your parents’ well-being is still your priority. Coming to a compromise that makes things more manageable for you is the best outcome.
Acknowledge Your Feelings
When you are a caregiver for your parents it is important to remember that your feelings matter. You are not being selfish by making changes, you are simply taking care of you so that you can continue to do your best for them. Many people feel guilty and worry that they’re being judged, so they suffer in silence. Your parent’s health is important, but so is yours. If being a caregiver is taking a toll on you, it’s OK for you to acknowledge it. Explain this to your family as well. They may not understand how hard it is, and you may need to tell them.
When you need to tell your family that you can no longer be a caregiver, it’s not an easy conversation, but it’s an important one. When it’s done you’ll be glad you had the courage to do it.
I never had to face caregiving by myself because I had two sisters to help. If I alone had to care for my mother and my aunt in their declining years, I would have had to seek outside help.
You have provided useful advice for those faced with such an emotionally fraught decision. Thanks, Dorothy!
I had the same good fortune. It was hard enough with 2 sisters to help physically and 2 brothers to help with practical matters. Mostly we all got along too. But, there are so many who are not so fortunate and feel the burden of doing it all.